How “He who finds a wife finds a good thing” Could Have Kept Me From My Dream Marriage
I grew up in a church that constantly preached the scripture, “he who finds a wife finds a good thing.”
Preachers used the scripture found at Proverbs 18:22 to tell women to wait for a man to find you.
They would use phrases like “let men pursue you” and “guys like the chase.”
One preacher even told women if you want to get marry, “look lost.” Then the audience laughed. Mostly the men laughed.
I heard the message loud and clear. Men pursue women. The woman should not pursue the man.
Throughout my life, I remembered this lesson. I waited for men to find me. I dated the men who approached me. Some were not right for me; but I was letting the guy pursue me.
It wasn’t natural for me. I was always very ambitious and went after what I wanted in life. Finding a good man was the one thing I felt like I couldn’t control.
That is until I learned the real focus of the verse. Once I really studied the verse for myself, I wasn’t so limited on how I met my husband.
Eventually, I was able to meet my dream guy. Here’s what I learned about the verse:
Meaning of Proverbs 18:22
When I studied Proverbs 18:22, I realized that the verse was not emphasizing how a man finds a wife. It’s emphasizing the idea of having a good wife.
The Matthew Henry Commentary interprets Proverbs 18:22 as saying, “A good wife is a great blessing to a man, and it is a token of Divine favour.”
Again, this interpretation highlights how having a good wife is a blessing. It’s not emphasizing that the man needs to be the one looking for a wife.
Check out this verse from other Bible versions:
Proverbs 18:22 (BBE) Whoever gets a wife gets a good thing, and has the approval of the Lord.
Proverbs 18:22 (CEB) He who finds a wife finds what is good, gaining favor from the LORD.
Proverbs 18:22 (GNT) Find a wife and you find a good thing; it shows that the Lord is good to you.
Proverbs 18:22 (MSG) Find a good spouse, you find a good life – and even more: the favor of God!
All of these Bible versions are emphasizing the idea of getting a good spouse.
The verse is not a message to say that only men pursue women.
That was liberating for me to know that I was not restricted in how I met my spouse.
Why let men pursue you?
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not against the idea of men pursuing women.
I think it is wonderful when a man goes after the woman he wants.
I also agree that guys like the chase. They like the challenge of pursuing women.
I have heard men say that if a woman makes it too easy for the man, he loses interest.
Greg Behrendt, author of the New York Times bestseller He’s Just Not That Into You (paid link), advised women to let the man pursue them.
“Men like to chase and you have to let us chase you. I know. It’s insulting. It’s frustrating. It’s unfortunately the truth,” he said.
Here, Behrendt is again saying that the man must chase the woman.
The problem I have with this quote and how some interpreted “he who finds a wife finds a good thing” is how it’s made to be a black and white issue.
There is definitely some gray in the idea of whether the man should always pursue the woman. There are definitely some complexities involved. Let me explain.
When it’s Ok for Women to Pursue Men
Before I give three examples of when it’s ok for women to pursue men, let me tell you a personal story mentioned in my book, When You Meet Your Match (paid link).
I did a search on Match.com for my perfect guy. The results came back with one guy. I was shocked. There was actually one guy who met all my criteria in a man!
Still, I didn’t immediately send him a message. It had been ingrained in me that the man is supposed to make the first move. Men pursue women.
Here was the guy I’ve been waiting my entire adult life for and I felt uncomfortable making the first move because I was taught women should not pursue men.
I finally came to my senses the next day. After talking to my brother and sister, I was convinced that it was ok to send a message to the Match.com guy.
He responded that he was interested in getting to know me. We have since been married for 10 years.
It proves that sometimes a woman making the first move can end in a happy ending.
So, here are examples of three times when it’s ok for women to make the first move.
1. She’s Dating Online.
There are so many people dating online that the right guy may not find his right match immediately. She might find him first.
Instead of missing out on the perfect guy, she should make the first move and initiate contact with the guy.
In my case, my now husband was very active when he first got on Match.com. Then he decided to let his subscription go after his one-month subscription ended.
Luckily, before that month was over, I got on Match.com and found him. If I didn’t make the first move, he never would have found me and we wouldn’t be married.
It’s ok for the woman to pursue the man on online dating. It may be the only way that she can connect with her dream guy.
There’s even a dating site called Bumble where only women can make the first move. Women should feel free to take advantage of that dating site.
If a woman finds someone she’s interested in while dating online, she shouldn’t hesitate. She should send them a message. If she doesn’t, she might miss out on her dream marriage.
2. Competition is Fierce.
A preacher said something that annoyed me. He said that when he was single, he could walk into a church and see a lot of women looking at him, interested in him.
He had so many choices.
It annoys me because it was never like that for me when I went to church.
I would have loved to meet a guy at church. There weren’t that many available church men.
The competition was fierce. There were definitely more women in the church than men.
If a woman does meet a man she’s interested in at church, she might as well let the man know she’s interested.
Otherwise, the man may never notice her.
It’s the same way if the woman is interested in a man somewhere else and there’s a lot of competition. She might as well find a way to interact with the person.
If not, she might miss out on her chance of meeting a great guy.
3. Guys Aren’t Chasing Her.
Some women are lucky and have a line of guys waiting to date them. They walk into a room and several guys are interested in asking them out.
Doesn’t it seem like it always happens that way? Most of the guys in a room are interested in that one woman.
For whatever reason, I was not that woman. It didn’t mean that I wasn’t a great catch or I wouldn’t make a great wife.
It just meant that I had to do a little bit more to get the attention of a guy.
If a woman is not someone that all the men are chasing, it does not mean anything is wrong with her.
Does it mean she has to wait around for a man to pursue her? Absolutely not.
There’s nothing wrong with a woman taking steps to find her husband. There’s also nothing wrong in letting a guy know she’s interested in him.
I know people will disagree with me. They still believe that only men should be the pursuers.
What should the woman do?
Should a woman wait forever for the right man to pursue her? What if it never happens?
She will miss out on her opportunity to get married and have children.
I believe that it is ok for a woman to be proactive. However, there are some limits.
Limits on When Women Pursue Men
Once a woman does initiate meeting a man, there is a risk that he may not be interested.
If he’s not interested, she should move on. It’s not the time to try harder or pursue him more.
That’s where I believe the limits are on pursuing a man. She should stop pursuing when he shows signs he’s not interested.
There are plenty of men in the world. There’s no reason for her to think she will never meet another good man again.
She might think that since she had her sights set on someone, she can’t give up on that person.
It’s better for her to cut her losses.
The point of initiating contact with a guy is he doesn’t know she exists yet or he doesn’t know she’s interested.
Once he knows who she is and is still not interested, there’s no point in hoping things will change.
She shouldn’t take it personally. He’s just looking for something else. The right person will feel the same way about her that she feels about him.
It does not mean she should give up on finding the right one for her.
She also needs to be aware that some men may pretend to be interested so they could get what they want.
The man may not even be interested in marriage. The man may be interested in getting one thing.
The right man will be interested in a future with her too.
Conclusion
The verse “he who finds a wife finds a good thing” is really talking about how it’s a blessing to find a wife.
The verse is not a commandment that only the man can look for a spouse.
While it is good to let the man pursue the woman, sometimes a woman would need to initiate contact with the man first.
If the man doesn’t know who the woman is or doesn’t know she’s interested in him, it is acceptable to make herself be known.
The man might be interested back and the relationship might result in a dream marriage. If he’s not interested or he’s only interested in one thing, it’s best for the woman to move on.
He’s not the right one for her.
When she finds a husband, it will be a good thing.
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